POLL: Ex’s As Friends…. Is it Toxic or Can it Work?



So I usually don’t blog about relationships and dating, but surfing the web I ran across an article that made me think…. Is having an ongoing friendship with an ex conducive to a current relationship?

I definitely wanted to share this article and get feed back from my readers.

Continue reading for the full article as well as a poll on the subject. Please feel free to leave your comments on the subject matter. This should be interesting!!! Enjoy!

The easiest way to break up with your next ex is to keep in touch with all the other ex’s. To me, there’s no clearer red flag than meeting someone with a posse of ex’s. It’s just unattractive and it says something about your Ex Collector. Why do people keep in touch with the ex? Is it really that necessary? How will keeping in touch with an ex affect all of your other relationships?

I’m proud to say that I don’t keep in touch with ex’s. I care about myself and respect my future mate enough to make that decision. When you’re in a relationship, your mate deserves 100% of you romantic attention. It’s unfair if you’re texting, calling and emailing an old beau while you’re seeing someone. It’s one of the biggest signs of disrespect. In a sense, your current mate is competing with everyone you’ve ever dated before when your ex’s are still in the picture.

“But we’re just friends!” some people are saying to themselves. That’s BS. When you’ve crossed an emotional, mental, spiritual and sexual threshold with a person, you can never go back to just being “friends”. There will always be that looming question in the back of your mind: “Was that really the one for me?” Even if you’re not honest with anyone else, be honest with yourself. Keeping in touch with an ex implies that you haven’t fully moved on from that person, that relationship, or something the two of you shared. It is what it is.

The dangers of collecting ex’s lies in the ever present potential to cheat on your mate. Let’s build a scenario shall we? Let’s imagine that there’s trouble in your paradise. For some reason, you and your sugar just don’t taste so sweet. This may just be a fluctuation in the relationship. However, you may question the low point to a further degree if you’re ex is on speed dial. Most likely, you’ll dial or text your ex about the scenario to seek “advice”.

Rule number 1 of ex’s: Never ever ever consult them on advice on your current relationship. You’re willfully jeopardizing the privacy of your current relationship as well as opening yourself to manipulation. In the mind of every ex is the desire to prove that s/he was your “best” lover. Hence, s/he may use this advice seeking venture as a means to prove that. Granted, s/he may not outrightly say: “You’ll never be happy again without me.” But God forbid that s/he gives you amazing advice. You’ll hang up the phone with a renewed connection to the ex and the temptation to meet up for dinner, drinks and more…You’ll wonder to yourself: “Why did I end things with this person? S/he’s so understanding unlike ________(insert current beau’s name).

Some people insist that keeping in touch with the ex is not that important. Well if it’s not that important, there’s no need to keep in touch at all. If you’re current beau has made it clear that s/he is uncomfortable with your ex collection, your reaction to this affirmation says something about your respect level for your mate. Why do you have to keep in touch with the ex? That relationship is over right? What is the ex collector really holding on to then if everything is completely done? When someone keeps in touch with an ex, one foot is always in the past. It’s impossible to advance into your future completely when one foot is stuck in the past.

Still, some people insist on keeping that number in their phone. I’m not quite sure that I understand why. “Well, we had an emotional connection and I can’t just walk away from someone that I shared something with so easily” some might say. If that’s the case, you’re not over that person and you need to work that out before embarking on a new venture.

The ex collection is particularly popular with serial monogamists. Serial monogamists are people who go from one serious dating relationship to the next with barely a breath in between. It’s obvious to everyone but them that they have severe commitment issue. These people don’t allow themselves to grieve one lover before falling for the next. There’s a hint of pathology here that makes me slightly more than uncomfortable. It’s safe to assume that the serial monogamist hasn’t gotten over anyone (especially themselves) and harbors “what if’s” for old lovers left and right. I duck and dodge the serial monogamist like the plague. It’s emotional suicide.

Putting all 52 cards out on the table, most people probably weren’t genuine friends before they started dating. I look back at my past relationships and that is flashing in neon signs. I’ve tended to date people that I’m initially attracted to. These relationships are rooted in an ulterior motive to start a romantic connection with that person. We were never really friends to begin with. Hence, the break up process with this person is more clean cut because there’s not a friendship to preserve. Even if you have dated someone who was a friend before the relationship, the important thing to remember is that the friendship died when you first kissed. That person is no longer your friend. So, don’t keep in touch for the sake of the “friendship”. Again, that’s BS.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Do you keep in touch with your ex’s why or why not? Have you ever dated an Ex Collector? How did that affect your relationship?

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